They say you’re only as old as you feel, but according to this reader, that’s not quite true.
He explains that he thought he was in love when he married a much older women, but now his feelings have changed towards her, and the way she looks.
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The reader, who’s in his twenties, says he wants out, but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife, who’s in her late forties.
What should he do?
The problem
Just over four years ago I got married to a much older woman. I thought I was in love with her, and I was desperate to leave home because I’ve never got on with my parents.
To be honest, moving into a house that was nicely furnished, having access to a decent car, getting all my meals cooked for me and my washing done – what’s not to like? Plus, she was quite a babe for her age when we met.
However, the novelty of being with her has now worn off and the age gap is starting to be a problem. I’ve noticed her boobs are getting a bit saggy and her neck is quite wrinkly, to the point that I bought her a couple of roll necks which don’t show the damage. As for her makeup – she may as well put it on with a trowel.
My mates also take the mick so that’s not helping the relationship, either. I won’t say they didn’t warn me that this marriage would go pear shaped, and they were right. I dread to think what it will be like in a few years when she’ll be in her fifties, and I won’t even be thirty.
Recently I’ve dreaded going to bed with her; it feels weird, like I’m sleeping with my aunty or something.
Her ex went off with a younger version of her, and I get the impression she married me on the rebound. I just want to meet a girl of my own age, but I don’t know how to leave my wife without hurting her.
Laura says…
I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I’m finding it difficult here because you’re making yourself sound so heartless. You state that you want to leave your wife, but frankly, if the poor woman knew what you were saying, she’d probably kick you out before you had the chance.
Maybe you genuinely suffered growing up, and you’re covering up a lot of misery. Unfortunately, although your background may be an explanation, it just isn’t a good enough excuse for your shallow behaviour. Being miserable yourself isn’t a reason to inflict misery on others.
You seem to have gone into this marriage just to be looked after, but if you want to find a girl in your own age group, she’ll expect you to take responsibility for yourself and act like an adult too – which you are, you’re just not behaving like one.
Please do the decent thing by your wife; say you’re sorry the marriage isn’t working but it’s your fault, not hers. She deserves the chance to meet a guy who won’t use her and will respect the many good qualities she undoubtedly has.
She’ll be hurt when you leave, but she’s probably hurting already because you clearly don’t treat her with love and affection. Roll necks indeed!
I hope she meets someone who makes her feel fabulous, and as for you – it’s time to grow up.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist. Got a sex and dating dilemma?
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